a friend of mine asked - in complete seriousness im sure - for a final report on all things accomplished in egpyt. boredom overcame my original idea to send him the script from cleopatra, and the list can be found below. you can make up your own mind as to how much is true. and there are def parts in there that you shouldnt even bother trying to understand. my tendancy to have running inside jokes with myself can get away from me at times.
Things accomplished in cairo:
Learned to cook eggs
Married 3 egyptian men. Divorced 1. Had nothing to do with the mysterious disappearances of the other 2.
Worked 7 hours total
Spent so much time at marriot pool there is now a drink named after me
Attempted 1 military coup
Bribed 2 guards
Was thrown out of 1 govt institution as result of failed bribe
Was arrested at 1 jordanian border checkpoint
Learned 3 arabic curse words
Learned 4 arabic words total
Amended the constitution – with connie’s permission – to allow study abroad American female students to inherit presidency from Mubarak in place of mubarak’s son
Imprisoned 8 members of muslim brotherhood
Had 5 conversations with cab drivers concerning universal hatred of pres. bush
Had 1 conversation with cab driver concerning American culture = premarital sex
Attempted to bargain 19876 times
Succeeded at bargaining 0 times
Discovered the art of cutting mangos (YES)
Called internet company 56879 times over period of 3 months. Was issued 1 restraining order after supposedly “threatening” said internet company operator
Discovered the label I should be shooting for is not “hipster” but “stoner”
Developed ‘glare of death’ – only to be used on level 10 creepy Egyptian dudes
Declared war on 1 zionist entity (necessary when staying in egypt)
Rejected 6 attempted converstions to islam
Seriously offended 5 pious muslims
Was subject of 1 unnecessary mass email to dorm list concerning Hispanics (hah)
Was charged but never convicted with burying 1 evil RA – with a bit more silicone then is natural if you know what I mean – alive under pyramids
Converted 1 egyptian to American consumerism = devil worship
Participated in 1 riot
Spent 4 weekends camping in desert
Rolled down 11 sand dunes (awesome)
Fell down 5 (trickly little devils)
Ruined 1 ipod
Killed 1 computer battery (bloody...macs...)
Traveled to 1 malarial infected region
Took 0 doses of malaria medication
Was checked into 1 egyptian hospital
Smoked 1356 shishas
Was informed only prostitutes go to favorite shisha café
Disregarded above information
Was propositioned 11 times
Accepted 1 proposition in exchange for private jet
Crashed 1 private jet in sahara desert
Ate 1 pilot after crashing private jet in sahara without food (tastes like chicken)
Died 1 tragic death
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Saturday, May 12, 2007
A random something.
ملء السنابل ينحنين تواضعا والفرغات رؤوسهن عوالى
"The wheat greans that are full (of wheat) bend down
And those that are empty, their heads are high."
I got this from a friend today and thought it was lovely (and appropriate to so so so many people).
Also, I am officially done with college. Assuming I didn't fail any of the things I just turned in, I'll be all graduated within three weeks. And then it's off to the real world with me (or as "real" as you can really call Saudi Arabia).
"The wheat greans that are full (of wheat) bend down
And those that are empty, their heads are high."
I got this from a friend today and thought it was lovely (and appropriate to so so so many people).
Also, I am officially done with college. Assuming I didn't fail any of the things I just turned in, I'll be all graduated within three weeks. And then it's off to the real world with me (or as "real" as you can really call Saudi Arabia).
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Foreign types with the hookah pipes say - Walk Like an Egyptian
my taxi driver this morning was entertaining. i flag him down and lean in the windown - "gama'at amrikia?" he nods his head and i jump in as the car behind us gets bored with waiting and leans on their horn. "shukran" i tell the taxi driver - i am always polite. he nods his head and turns his music up. and starts singing along. loudly. this only lasts for a few minutes though before he turns the music back down and starts singing his own, special little song. "bonjour papa bonjour mama!" he yells. then later "jackie chan!" this is, mind you, what i caught. totally didnt understand most of it. he is also steering the car with his knee most of the time as he gestures wildly at the other cars and motions to imaginary figures in the seat next to him.
i tell you this not because this is very unusual - while this taxi driver might have come across as a bit less mentally competant than your average egyptian, he is by no means unique among taxi drivers. ive had taxi drivers drive me to the wrong side of the city, on purpose. theyve insulted me and asked me to marry them, marry their sons. one tried to discuss pre-marital sex in america with me, and then ended the conversation with a proposition. theyve run into things and ppl and down the wrong side of the road, usually at speeds i try not to think about. but this is egypt - no one is totally sane here. i recently met a friend of a friend who was visiting egypt for a conference i (sort of) attended and she made an observation that i think will communicate the general feel of cairo fairly well. being in egypt is very much like being the only sober person at a party where every single person is on LSD. and totally hammered. if you stay at the party long enough, and partake in the entertainment, the party will begin to make more sense to you. but there's no way youll ever catch up to them - theyve had waay too much of a head start.
i tell you this not because this is very unusual - while this taxi driver might have come across as a bit less mentally competant than your average egyptian, he is by no means unique among taxi drivers. ive had taxi drivers drive me to the wrong side of the city, on purpose. theyve insulted me and asked me to marry them, marry their sons. one tried to discuss pre-marital sex in america with me, and then ended the conversation with a proposition. theyve run into things and ppl and down the wrong side of the road, usually at speeds i try not to think about. but this is egypt - no one is totally sane here. i recently met a friend of a friend who was visiting egypt for a conference i (sort of) attended and she made an observation that i think will communicate the general feel of cairo fairly well. being in egypt is very much like being the only sober person at a party where every single person is on LSD. and totally hammered. if you stay at the party long enough, and partake in the entertainment, the party will begin to make more sense to you. but there's no way youll ever catch up to them - theyve had waay too much of a head start.
Hey sweet annie, dont take it so bad
you know that summers coming soon
though {CAIRO} is choking under salt and dirty sand
and it seems the sun is hiding from the moon
your daddy told you when you were a girl the kind of things that come to those who wait
so give it a rest girl, take a deep breath girl...
not too deep though. less than a month to go! ok ive passed the nostalgic phase and i have entered the GET ME OUT OF HERE phase. not that im not planning on attending that rooftop shisha partay tonight. sweeeeeeeeeeet.
so i live on this island in the nile called zamalek. its one of the wealthiest neighborhoods in cairo so, i mean, it tries at least. at life. and other things. it sort of failed last week though when someone managed to cut off electricity to the ENTIRE ISLAND. and guess where i was at the time. i was in an elevator. between floors. with 2 egyptian guys. there i am just minding my own business - ive got my headphones in, listening to the kinks or something and doing my best to ignore the two other ppl im crammed into this 2 foot wide elevator with when suddenly: total darkness. and the elevator stops moving. and that lovely cairo summer heat hits us. now elevators in egypt dont have doors so we knew by the concrete wall where the door to a floor should have been that we were between floors. and i understood from a conversation one of the egyptian dudes had via cell phone that the electricity was out on the entire island, and that it could last for 2 and a half - 3 hrs. i am briefly hysterical at the thought of spending that much quality time with the other elevator occupants. one of the egyptian guys informed us authoritatively that we would run out of air shortly (which was total bull - i doubt even the places in egypt that are SUPPOSED to be airtight actually are) but it was enough to get the other dude panicking. after listening to him hyperventilating for about 3 minutes, i put my headphones back in and tried not to make comparisons to coffins, or think about whether egyptian elevators required electricity to stay up. it took us about an hour to get in contact with the building management - they dont have emergency elevator phones in egypt. and the bowabs hadnt bothered to check the elevators when the electricity went out, instead deciding to congregate on the bottom floor and have lunch. but we did eventually manage to get out when i got a friend to inform them of our predicament and they manually lowered the elevator enough for us to squeeze out onto the 17th floor. definately a bad day to wear a skirt. in my quest to find someone to let building management know that there were ppl suffocating in an elevator 18 floors up i called about 10 of my friends.
me: hey hey how are you doing
friend/potential rescuer: good good whatsup
me: well... im ok. you arent, by any chance, near my building are you?
friend: ummm no im at school/work/the zoo/another country
me: riiiiiiiiight...so you arent going to be near the building anytime soon, are you?
friend: no... why? ...is that someone crying in the background?
me: yeah well im sort of trapped. in an elevator. with 2 strange egyptian men. its dark and about 100 degrees... and no one knows we're here. you know, bc zamalek has lost electricity. i dont suppose there's a coup going on or anything, is there?
friend: i dont know... i could check i guess.
unfortunately no coup... no explanation either. ah well such is cairo. i suppose im lucky they could figure out how to move the elevator sans electricity instead of just saying "ma'alesh" and leaving us in there. this was followed, of course, with me having to walk down 17 flights of stairs. bitches.
though {CAIRO} is choking under salt and dirty sand
and it seems the sun is hiding from the moon
your daddy told you when you were a girl the kind of things that come to those who wait
so give it a rest girl, take a deep breath girl...
not too deep though. less than a month to go! ok ive passed the nostalgic phase and i have entered the GET ME OUT OF HERE phase. not that im not planning on attending that rooftop shisha partay tonight. sweeeeeeeeeeet.
so i live on this island in the nile called zamalek. its one of the wealthiest neighborhoods in cairo so, i mean, it tries at least. at life. and other things. it sort of failed last week though when someone managed to cut off electricity to the ENTIRE ISLAND. and guess where i was at the time. i was in an elevator. between floors. with 2 egyptian guys. there i am just minding my own business - ive got my headphones in, listening to the kinks or something and doing my best to ignore the two other ppl im crammed into this 2 foot wide elevator with when suddenly: total darkness. and the elevator stops moving. and that lovely cairo summer heat hits us. now elevators in egypt dont have doors so we knew by the concrete wall where the door to a floor should have been that we were between floors. and i understood from a conversation one of the egyptian dudes had via cell phone that the electricity was out on the entire island, and that it could last for 2 and a half - 3 hrs. i am briefly hysterical at the thought of spending that much quality time with the other elevator occupants. one of the egyptian guys informed us authoritatively that we would run out of air shortly (which was total bull - i doubt even the places in egypt that are SUPPOSED to be airtight actually are) but it was enough to get the other dude panicking. after listening to him hyperventilating for about 3 minutes, i put my headphones back in and tried not to make comparisons to coffins, or think about whether egyptian elevators required electricity to stay up. it took us about an hour to get in contact with the building management - they dont have emergency elevator phones in egypt. and the bowabs hadnt bothered to check the elevators when the electricity went out, instead deciding to congregate on the bottom floor and have lunch. but we did eventually manage to get out when i got a friend to inform them of our predicament and they manually lowered the elevator enough for us to squeeze out onto the 17th floor. definately a bad day to wear a skirt. in my quest to find someone to let building management know that there were ppl suffocating in an elevator 18 floors up i called about 10 of my friends.
me: hey hey how are you doing
friend/potential rescuer: good good whatsup
me: well... im ok. you arent, by any chance, near my building are you?
friend: ummm no im at school/work/the zoo/another country
me: riiiiiiiiight...so you arent going to be near the building anytime soon, are you?
friend: no... why? ...is that someone crying in the background?
me: yeah well im sort of trapped. in an elevator. with 2 strange egyptian men. its dark and about 100 degrees... and no one knows we're here. you know, bc zamalek has lost electricity. i dont suppose there's a coup going on or anything, is there?
friend: i dont know... i could check i guess.
unfortunately no coup... no explanation either. ah well such is cairo. i suppose im lucky they could figure out how to move the elevator sans electricity instead of just saying "ma'alesh" and leaving us in there. this was followed, of course, with me having to walk down 17 flights of stairs. bitches.
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