aaaaaaaaaaand im leaving

a friend of mine asked - in complete seriousness im sure - for a final report on all things accomplished in egpyt. boredom overcame my original idea to send him the script from cleopatra, and the list can be found below. you can make up your own mind as to how much is true. and there are def parts in there that you shouldnt even bother trying to understand. my tendancy to have running inside jokes with myself can get away from me at times.

Things accomplished in cairo:

Learned to cook eggs
Married 3 egyptian men. Divorced 1. Had nothing to do with the mysterious disappearances of the other 2.

Worked 7 hours total

Spent so much time at marriot pool there is now a drink named after me

Attempted 1 military coup

Bribed 2 guards

Was thrown out of 1 govt institution as result of failed bribe

Was arrested at 1 jordanian border checkpoint

Learned 3 arabic curse words

Learned 4 arabic words total

Amended the constitution – with connie’s permission – to allow study abroad American female students to inherit presidency from Mubarak in place of mubarak’s son

Imprisoned 8 members of muslim brotherhood

Had 5 conversations with cab drivers concerning universal hatred of pres. bush

Had 1 conversation with cab driver concerning American culture = premarital sex

Attempted to bargain 19876 times

Succeeded at bargaining 0 times

Discovered the art of cutting mangos (YES)

Called internet company 56879 times over period of 3 months. Was issued 1 restraining order after supposedly “threatening” said internet company operator

Discovered the label I should be shooting for is not “hipster” but “stoner”

Developed ‘glare of death’ – only to be used on level 10 creepy Egyptian dudes

Declared war on 1 zionist entity (necessary when staying in egypt)

Rejected 6 attempted converstions to islam

Seriously offended 5 pious muslims

Was subject of 1 unnecessary mass email to dorm list concerning Hispanics (hah)

Was charged but never convicted with burying 1 evil RA – with a bit more silicone then is natural if you know what I mean – alive under pyramids

Converted 1 egyptian to American consumerism = devil worship

Participated in 1 riot

Spent 4 weekends camping in desert

Rolled down 11 sand dunes (awesome)

Fell down 5 (trickly little devils)

Ruined 1 ipod

Killed 1 computer battery (bloody...macs...)

Traveled to 1 malarial infected region

Took 0 doses of malaria medication

Was checked into 1 egyptian hospital

Smoked 1356 shishas

Was informed only prostitutes go to favorite shisha café

Disregarded above information

Was propositioned 11 times

Accepted 1 proposition in exchange for private jet

Crashed 1 private jet in sahara desert

Ate 1 pilot after crashing private jet in sahara without food (tastes like chicken)

Died 1 tragic death